blind

His sad eyes looked forward into nothingness: desolate, defeated and distraught. There was no hope, no joy and no reason to have either. Nobody wanted him; he had not a place to rest his head. Negative degree weather and a trip to the empty promise of a warm gym that was closed, still he set his feet forward with just the sheer will to survive another day. With a thin shirt, the same one he’s worn for days now, shorts and run-down sneakers and his only change of clothes in a plastic bag grasped tightly by his large hands, he trod forward downtrodden.

Her longing eyes looked forward into his nothingness: concerned, caring and compassionate. A flicker of grace showered onto her from above moved her to turn the car around and approach him. Warm in her jacket, standing tall in her well-fashioned clothing, the dichotomy in socioeconomic class was tangible, astounding. She asks him where he’s headed, he remains silent. Yet again she asks, the compassion in her heart persistent and strong, and he tells her his destination. She knows his plight and she knows the solution. She cannot be blind to this.

“Do you have a place to sleep?” “Yes.” “Don’t you dare lie to me.”

He reluctantly follows her into the car where the rest of the family sits patiently, in awe at what had taken hold of her and what had taken place. And thus begins a beautiful story of love, compassion and the incarnation of Jesus’ immortal words: “Whatever you do unto the least of these brothers, you do for me.”

I was excited to write a post about this movie, “The Blind Side,” because I knew I would only have good things to say. I’m not a movie critic, so spare me the talk on being critical with film. My heart lay in a wretched state as I shared his desperation, but it was rescued by her counter hegemonic action. I wondered what I was doing for those around me who were, just like Michael. I may not have the great fortune of the Tuohys, but surely, the God who provides for me, has provided in abundance to share with those around. Surely, giving is better than receiving and surely, I cannot turn a blind eye to this. The best part of this movie, was to know it was based on a true story; to know somebody took Jesus seriously when he talked about clothing the unclothed or feeding the hungry.

There were many lines in the movie that warmed my heart. They may have been said in more than ideal situations, but nevertheless, they were truths resounding in my mind. At one scene, Mrs. Tuohy is sitting at her country club lunch table with several other housewives. They discuss her recent interactions with Michael and make the point that she’s done much to change his life. She says, he’s changed hers.

And that’s the thing with giving and compassion. I’ve experienced this multiple times, such as at Camp Trillium, when you go to give, to better the lives of those around you, and well you do. But more often than not, we come away with the peace and joy of having done God’s will in “doing the least to these brothers.” Am I talking about some feel-good formula for happiness? No. I’m talking about the joy of being humbled by God, to know that we’ve been of service to the Eternal One. It’s about pleasing God and doing what we were made to do. It’s about watching the Almighty God transform the lives of those around us. It’s about worship and living a life of love that overflows from the inner fountain of the Spirit. It’s about being unblinded to the spiritual reality of His absolute goodness.

So that I don’t overstate myself, I’ll close looking at one last part of the movie. Mrs. Tuohy and her husband are discussing the option of becoming Michael’s legal guardian. “I don’t even know why you’re doing this,” says Mr. Tuohy, still amazed at the changes in his wife. She doesn’t answer, most probably, because a secular movie, wouldn’t dare say the name of Jesus. But let me tell you, when he asked that question, I knew in my heart the answer was and had to be Jesus. The only outflow of love that can change lives is that from the life of Jesus Christ in you. Moreover, that is the only response when you are in right relationship with Him.

Ask God to unblind your eyes to the suffering around you. Ask him to cure you from the blindness that makes you a skeptic about the unchanging love of God that changes those who recieve it. And watch as he uses you to return the ransomed to Him; their deaf ears unstopped and their blind eyes opened (Isaiah 35).

conversation

I had a wonderful past two weekends; they were both surreal in their own way. In Vancouver, it was ten degrees and sunny in the middle of January and the food was absolutely superb there. Of course, you mix in memorable moments with the brother and what I thought was a smooth interview, and it becomes an experience of a lifetime. Many of you have asked me how I did or felt about it, and I must say, by the grace of God, I believe I did well. At the very least, I know did my best, so what more can I ask? By the way, if you’re curious for more details, I’d be much obliged to fill you in.

But let us move to this past weekend. Surreal, yes. Not because of wonderful weather or marvelous eats, though it wasn’t shabby at all. In any case, what made this weekend wonderful was the fellowship between myself and God and also with my brothers and sisters. I often wonder what its like to be at other university fellowships and to see how they interact. I wonder if I would hear joyous laughs thunder across the room every two minutes or if I would see the tears of forgiveness and reconciliation. I wonder if I would taste and know that the Lord is good in those fellowships as I’ve tasted and known that He was and is and will be good to us. I wonder if I would see God touch lives as He’s touched them this weekend. Mostly I wonder if the fragrance of the Holy Spirit would fill each room and person, rendering our sense of smell but numb to the things of the world and honed in on His wonderful scent.

I don’t say these things to exalt Asian Christian Fellowship (ACF) above any other fellowship. Rather, I say these things as a testament of His faithfulness, as I’ve seen the fruit of the believers’ faithfulness in ACF manifest itself in the things listed above. I know each fellowship has its own dynamic, but some things are for certain: God must be vibrantly communicating with your fellowship in order to witness unity, joy and peace; His life and word must be abiding in you.

And thus brings us to this divine conversation where God speaks and we listen, where we wait upon Him without presuppositions of our own and actually hear Him speak.

Sometimes we ask God speak to us, but we don’t seem to hear anything. Sometimes we question if prayer is really divine conversation or whether we are in fact lunatics speaking into thin air. God showed me some things about why we may not hear His voice, let alone listen to it. I was enlightened by the Spirit on Saturday morning as I was doing a devotional out of Oswald Chambers’ “My Utmost for His Highest.” The story was from 1 Samuel 3 and it described the instance God called him to hear a prophecy against Eli.

The first thing I noticed, was that Samuel didn’t hear God the first time, or well he did, and mistook it for Eli. In verse 7, it tells us that Samuel had not yet known the Lord (he did not have a personal relationship with Him), whereas in verses 8 and 9, Eli knew it was God calling Samuel, and instructed Samuel on how to respond. How on earth did Eli know God was speaking? He had been in communion with the Lord before, had developed spiritual sensitivity to the things of God and was in expectancy for God to speak at all times. In other words, he was always waiting upon God to speak; there was never a moment that He didn’t believe God actually wanted to communicate with us. Particular to note, is that this is before us humans were given the Holy Spirit, and given the direct access to speak and hear from God at anytime. Do we really have the spiritual sensitivity and expectancy that God wants to hold up His end of this divine conversation with us?

The second thing to note is that in verse 10, Samuel responds to God by saying “Speak, for your servant hears.” He tells God to speak, as if to invite God intentionally to lay down His word right then and there. Samuel came with a willing heart to listen. He sets himself up such that his ear is poised to catch the small faint whisper of the Lord. Do we intentionally ask God to speak and come with willingness in our hearts to listen?

The third point to observe is also in verse 10, when Samuel makes it clear that he is in fact the servant. How many times do we ask God to answer a prayer with preconditions in mind? How about assumptions that we know what is best for us? Jesus asked, “Is a servant greater than his master?” Well, no. We often approach this divine conversation as if we have an outcome we desire and that by telling God, His response to us would be, “of course you know best child.” It is absurd to approach God with the pride of leaning on our own understanding or ambitions, expecting Him to speak, let alone answer! Do we really humble ourselves, reminded that we are His servants, waiting to hear His word, not the fulfillment of ours?

Finally, we come to one last observation found in verses 17 and 18. For God to continue on in His end of this divine conversation, we need to respond with obedience to the things He’s already said. May it be things He’s said in His word or things He’s said in the past to you. Have you obeyed them? Are you striving to be pure and blameless before the Lord? James 5:16 says that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective, not because by being pure he is endowed with wisdom to pray in big words. But its because God knows that you are a genuine servant, praying in His will because His Spirit is abiding in you, and that whatever you are asking for will glorify Him. So he makes it happen. He glorifies himself in powerful and effective ways. In verses 17 and 18, Samuel is charged with the plight of being obedient to God in telling Eli this vision or to hold it back and not offend his superior. I realized that this is a crucial point for Samuel. This is the first time God is meeting with him like this, and it likely determines how God will keep meeting with him. The act of obedience is key here because it is a response to God telling Him that whatever He reveals for us to do, we will follow. It doesn’t make much sense for God to reveal more of His heart and will to you, if you won’t follow it to completion in obedience and surrender. God won’t accomplish His purposes in someone who sees his own face in the mirror and forgets what he looks like when they go away from it (James 1:23-24).

If you’ve survived reading through this long post, I hope you were encouraged somehow. I’ve been taught that what God has taught you is for you to share with others. This divine conversation between us and God must outpour itself in conversation with others – believers (edification in the Word) and non-believers (witnessing).

May we continue to abide in Him and do more listening than speaking in the divine conversation.

holiness

So I was reading a blog post from my good buddy Steve (www.linesandpulses.wordpress.com, you like that pitch?) and was somehow or somewhat inspired to begin writing some of my own thoughts again. I find I have a good amount of time lately, mostly because I haven’t touched my school work and have been vigorously preparing for my interview this Saturday. So, let’s talk about that.

The most common question I get these days is: “Are you excited or nervous?” And I often say, “Both.” Perhaps, at this moment, more excited than I am nervous, but that may take an inverse relationship as it nears the date. But, I guess something I need to keep in mind is that really, I have nothing to fear. I don’t say that in a cocky manner and that I’m going to get accepted for sure. I say with confidence that my God is sovereign and has all things planned out – success or failure – so what more do I need to fear or worry about? Now, yes, this sounds easy in principle, but when it comes down to Friday at 8PM am I still going to be saying this knowing that in just 12 hours, I begin an interview that could potentially change the course of my life?

This is a hard-learned lesson from many years and something I still struggle with now, but definitely have more self-control now. I used to worry about my marks and about my MCAT score and about my extracurriculars and leadership involvements and…you name it, everything they want to see when you apply for medicine. As a result, I put a lot of emphasis on the times God came through for me in providing sufficient marks or opportunities along the way, and I gave Him thanks and praise. But something, I have been repeatedly challenged with is this: do I love God’s blessings…or do I love God Himself?

Because if I’m only loving God’s blessings, those times of happiness and celebration will end, and when they do, what am I left with? My vending-machine God. But until I get past that and I begin desiring God in times of blessing or suffering, I’m going to get discouraged and disappointed and ask God why He’s forsaken me, when really, I’ve forsaken Him.

“You give and take away, but my heart choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name” is something I’ve been trying to live by. And with that mindset, I believe we need to shift our focus. This past Sunday, pastor Norm Millar at Harvest Bible Chapel London said a phrase that resounds in my mind: “God doesn’t care much for our happiness, but more so our holiness.” Our shift in focus: happiness to holiness. But doesn’t God want us to be happy? What’s up with that? Sure, times of happiness are a blessing from God, and all good gifts come from the Good Gift Giver, but can we say times of suffering are also a blessing from a Good Gift Giver?

This is why there is so much weight to that statement. Happiness is grounded in circumstance. Holiness is grounded in truth. If we pursue holiness before God in all situations, He fills us with unmatched joy and inexplicable peace. God’s holiness never changes and when we imitate that, as we should, we take an aspect of God that gives us reason and guidance to live by throughout all situations. Allowing holiness to guide our actions and thoughts instead of happiness will allow us to fulfill our purpose in glorifying God. The pursuit of happiness leads to self-centered reasoning, forcing ourselves to put trust in the fragility of humankind; but holiness. Holiness is what allows us to see through God’s eyes.

So medical school. Why all that holiness stuff…what about medical school? The real question is: Why all this medical school stuff…what about holiness? Am I truly pursuing God and desiring to glorify Him in all aspects? Or am I making medicine my idol and pursuing my own happiness to be found in a meager acceptance letter? As I said, I’ve struggled long and hard and have lost the battle to idolatry at times. But for this Saturday, I am choosing holiness. I am pursuing with all my might and strength to trust in a God who doesn’t give a wooden nickel about me getting into medical school in comparison to what I’m doing in my relationship with Him. I’ve done what I could’ve to prepare, and all that’s left now is to give glory to Him.

give

I just recently came back from volunteering at Camp Trillium. Amazing. This entry is by no means an advertisement, but believe me, if you want to do something worthwhile, fun and rewarding, volunteer at this camp. There are so many great memories that I wouldn’t have been able to capture on camera. There are so many moments I wouldn’t ever be able to recreate during any other life experience. That place is truly one of a kind.

Of course, what really makes it one of a kind is the people. The staff, the parents and the kids. If there’s one word to sum up my week, it’d be “give.” Why? It’s amazing to see what people can give of themselves to a common cause: increasing the quality of life of kids affected by cancer. Most of the staff are unbelievers and to see them be so selfless in giving up their whole person to this cause really gets me thinking. What am I doing to better the lives of those around me? How am I blessing others with what God has blessed me? If I am rich, do I give to the poor? If I have strength, do I help those who are weak? If I have a healthy, cancer-free body, am I caring for those laden with sickness? In some ways, my experience at Camp Trillium has solidified my passion for pursuing a career in medicine to join in the alleviation of sickness in the ailing.

The staff at Camp Trillium live by an “all for the kids” mindset. If the kid wanted them to jump into the lake with all their clothes on, they do it, not because it’s the smartest thing in the world to do, but because it would bring the kids joy. Could I say the same? Let’s be honest. If they asked me? “Wait…HOLD ON. That means I gotta trudge all the way back to the cabin with wet clothes, change, lay them out to dry and walk all the way back?” Serious?

Throughout the camp I realized that kind of mindset is exactly what inhibits us from giving of ourselves. The idea that I have a certain image to uphold – “I can’t be seen wet with all my clothes on, that looks stupid.” Okay, bad example…but you get the jist. Or okay, well, what’s more is that my 15 minutes of discomfort in wet clothes is more important than the kid’s happy memories. That disgusts me; how could I have thought that? But I guess we always get caught up with ourselves at some point or another…we have to keep breaking free of ourselves to give of ourselves. You can’t give yourself if you’re holding on so tightly to your own comforts or your pride.

As I mentioned earlier, most of the staff were non-believers. Well how about those of us who are believers? Think about the strength, joy, peace and hope we can give those around us through the faith we have in God. The Christian life is about the giving of yourself to the purposes of God – even if it may be bringing joy to a kid by sacrificing your time and energy to just give them a fun week despite their daily chemo treatments. God reminds us that:

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! [Matt 7:9-10]

If non-believers are able to give so much of themselves to these kids, how much more can we give, being blessed by the Giver of good things? And by the way, you can’t receive if your hand is grasped tight on what you have…you have to give away what you have so you can have an open hand to receive more. So let go.

family

This is a rather odd circumstance to find myself writing. I have the funniest combination of emotions welling up within me at the moment and all of them attest that “the joy of the Lord is my strength.”

It’s 2:45 AM on a weekday; yes, I have to work tomorrow, but God has allowed me to stay home to work — a providence of time and rest. And it’s at the kitchen at this insane time of night that I find joy and peace and blessing through my family.

My essay is due on Wednesday, and for the longest time I was worried and unable to get myself motivated to work. Even when I was motivated, I had writer’s block and even when I didn’t have writer’s block, I had no time. What’s up with these chain of events that deterred me from completing my work? I took out my frustrations upon my family, as I often do, because they are, well, family.

They are those wonderful people that you have many a fight with, but still love. They are those individuals that you hold dear to your life though you may not always express it. They are the blessings from God who have shaped your very person and know you inside out though you put up a front to the world. And its my family that God has shown me His love and support through; it’s through my family that He gave me peace and joy despite this blasted essay which is still far from completion.

I don’t know what my sister and mother were doing up at 2:45 AM, but I was working. I do know, that we all became quite hungry and they decided to cook some clam chowder. I worked away as they talked over the boiling soup and I decided I needed a break. I got up and paid them a visit only to find them scrambling about the kitchen and laughing like two patients who just came out of a room of laughing gas. Laughter is contagious, I tell you. I had no idea what they were laughing so hard at and I began to laugh at them laughing who were probably laughing at each other laughing. On the floor my sister rolled slain by humour. My mom was quite the sight too. I really couldn’t understand but I just kept laughing anyway and to augment the already hysterical situation, my mom did the oddest things. She kept trying to distract me and do silly things as if she were a clown and I were an easily amused toddler. Indeed, I was and her clownship was victorious. I went down to the floor laughing as well, and we all agreed that we couldn’t remember the last time we laughed so hard with each other – or at each other.

Well, turns out my mom’s clown act was to hide the fact that my dad, mom and sister had signed a card for me with encouraging words. They knew my life had been torture for the last few days and weeks and instead of letting my complaining annoy them into ignoring me, they accepted my struggles and weakness and decided to run alongside me with these words of encouragement. How blessed I am to have such awesome support and understanding from the ones I’ve plagued with my incessant worrying.

Among the encouragements, my dad, a man of wisdom (and many questions), picked a most appropriate verse. The card he chose saying, “Our strength may fail, but our God will not.” already brought me joy and tears welled up behind eyes, though I had not yet released them. He made reference to the tough competition for medical schools and reminded me from Ecclesiastes 10:11:

“I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favour to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.”

Indeed, who is to know what is to happen except God and I am fully satisfied knowing that He is the only one who knows. It makes surprises like these bizarre events that much more of a blessing than they already are and He shows you that He knows what’s best for you at what time – even at 2:45 AM on a weekday night, er, morning.

Over this past weekend, I let go of my worries about the essay and decided to work my best for God, despite the outcome. Oh, the goodness of God when you abandon yourself entirely for Him and to His providence. He is faithful throughout all circumstances.

Back at the kitchen, I left after devouring my chowder; I didn’t feel like making a scene crying from joy in front of them, but my eyes began to water as I sat down and began to write this post. If you, my family, read this, know that this random small act of kindness has gone a long way, more than I can show, and that I love you each dearly.

Thank you and Thank You.

fragility

It’s been a good 3 months or so. I guess I was either uninspired or inspired and too busy.

But, I’ve got some time now, since I was resting and trying to recover…for the whole week. I don’t know what came over me, but on Monday I had a fever and all these nasty symptoms. Those went away in a night and I was good to go for Tuesday.

What I didn’t expect…was to wake up at 3:45 AM on Tuesday and have a sore throat that far surpassed any sore throat pain I’ve ever had. I was feeling at my prime just before bed but I knew that this sore throat was not going to be dealt with easily. I was right. The next few days I would spend at home, barely speaking, eating congee, drinking copious amounts of water, visiting the washroom four to five times within an hour, swallowing pills and supplements and wishing I could just die. Okay, I exaggerate. But it was bad.

Throughout the days, I tried my best not to complain and to cope with the pain. I did as much work as possible and kept in touch with my boss at work. He said I couldn’t go in for risk of infecting others and being further infected. Fair enough. I guess I felt a little useless the last few days, but I did what I could. It’s amazing how just a tiny part of your body can impede you in so many ways. Some people don’t seem to think it’s a big deal…a bad sore throat…so what? But for those who sympathize, it also means you can barely eat, talk or do anything without having to drink water every 10 seconds. Some people would be glad to have had the time off work. I’d rather work 12-hour shifts than have this pain.

I was telling my family that this is the worst pain I’ve ever had in my life — no exaggeration there. I’ve never had any traumatic illnesses or injuries like breaking bones or whatever, but this far surpasses whatever I’ve gone through. Swallowing alone hurts so much that the pain spreads to my ears and causes them to ache. And, the other day I bit my lip and now I have an open wound on the inside of my mouth. Boy, I really am fragile.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s that. Life is but a vapour in the wind, here today and gone tomorrow. My health can be sapped at anytime from me, especially at the most unexpecting moments. Who would’ve thought that recovering from a fever, severe headache and aching bones would lead to a killer sore throat the next day? This uncertainty is unsettling, but I’m glad I’ve found a Constant to hold on to.

Don’t get me wrong…I’ve been complaining and questioning; afterall, I’m only human. But more than that, I’ve been praying. I’ve been trying to remain joyful and see my situation from God’s eyes. I’ve already asked Him why and when I’d get better. He’s said, “Not yet.” I think He’s trying me, seeing if I would remain faithful to Him despite this unbearable physical pain. He’s asking me, “Where are you seeking your peace? Where does your joy come from?” Not from myself, my family or friends, but from God, whose Son suffered physical pain an infinite amount of times greater than I have. I’m comforted knowing that He IS in control. But I will continue, in petition, to ask Him to remove this pain from me. I don’t ask with a complaining attitude or in a whining voice. I ask Him to give me peace in my situation and that He would take it away when He thinks is right. Not my will but His be done, and I will ask in earnest until His will IS done. Perhaps that’s until He’s decided that this sore throat has somehow made me more like His Son.

In any case, I wanted to remind all of you, and myself, just how fragile we are. We are but dust, from it we came and to it we will return. Instead, invest what you can in the Unchanging God and find blessings and peace come over you despite your uncertainties. Put your hope in the Lord and you will not be disappointed. Who is your rock? Your fortress?

“For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.”

Psalm 62:5-7

By the way, I updated my pictures. Enjoy .

death

I think it’s really easy for us to identify with Christ in His death. Well, yes and no. Let me explain.

If we are talking about Christ’s death on the cross and how we need to take up our cross like He did, then it gets hard to die to ourselves. However, if we’re talking about our everyday lives and seeing US live and HIM die; then it’s easy to identify with His death. Afterall, that’s what our human nature does: more of me and less of Him.

Everytime we choose to exalt ourselves over Him, then His life force in us decreases. Thankfully, the opposite is true: when we choose to exalt Him over oursleves, His life force in us increases. If we die, He lives. If He dies, we live.

And yet there is this incredible paradox about us dying and Him living. He said that anyone who loses his life for His sake will find it. It’s weird how dying to ourselves results in us living again…but this time, in Him. The same can be said about Him dying and us living…there’s a paradox. If He dies and we live; we are actually living in death because we live in sin because the “wages of sin is death.”

It seems that it’s always a common theme in His word. This whole sequence of dying to live. Noah, being the only righteous man living, has everything around Him die in a great flood, only to see life grow again by God’s covenant. Jesus, having lived, dies for us and rises in three days to give us eternal life. And this is even in nature: a seed falls to the ground from a living tree, only to die in order to produce another tree. Can’t we see that God intends for us to die to those things which are not of Him in order to truly experience what life is?

If you ask me what is the hardest lesson to learn when in a dating relationship, I’ll tell you this: “her first, not yourself.” There are so many times when I get selfish and expect things from Erin that I shouldn’t expect. Or, there are times when we both want to do different things at the same time and I choose my own activity. The point is, Jesus tells us to consider others better than ourselves and to serve joyfully and humbly without grumbling or complaints. I guess this expands to more than a dating relationship; it applies to any relationship really. It’s hard and before we can do that for other people, we need to first make sure we, inside, are dead such that Christ is living.

In the end, the product looks like this:

²⁰I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. ²¹For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Philippians 2:20-21

In both life and death there is profit, because our life is entirely not ours. Since now both life and death belong to Christ and are identified with Christ, both life and death are great. At this point, we’ll struggle with what Paul asked: should I live or should I die then? For me, that’s for God to decide, not me, so I’ll keep living until He takes me home.

fear

So I’m running for next year’s Asian Christian Fellowship executive committee in the role of president. I had to write up a vision statement and after writing it, I felt it was something I wanted to post here, hopefully to encourage someone whose learning about fearing God like I am. Here it is:

Hey everyone, thank you for giving me the opportunity to stand before you as a nominee for ACF President for next year. I’m glad that I have this time to speak to you guys today. Firstly, I must say I miss a lot of you guys because I feel I haven’t been here in a long time…four weeks to be exact…so it’s good to see you all. Secondly, I wanted to tell you guys about my struggle to decide running. Like last year, I was trying to look at this nomination from every aspect: my passion, time and energy, conflicts with school, etc. As many of you know, I am hoping to receive entry into medical school at some time. This year I didn’t make it to 3 of the 4 I’ve applied for; however, I still may have a chance for the last school and I have not yet heard back. I want to be honest to tell you that because I believe this is where God will be leading me later on in life, I would take the opportunity if it comes.

In some ways, this opens up the can of worms to more broadly state that at certain moments there are times when other things, such as school in my case, may be more important than ACF and in other situations, ACF will take precedence. What I’m trying to say is that I believe that a strong balance in doing your best in your service in fellowship is important but also that doing your best in your school work is equally important because we are firstly here placed as students. I am not advocating that we all have to become students with A’s all the time. I am saying that whatever level of academic excellence that God has gifted you with should be used to its full potential. Now, on the other end, God also demands from us excellence in serving Him by serving ACF, our churches and most importantly, serving the non-believers around us. This leads me to the question…how in the world do we find that balance that God is asking of us? How do we fully utilize our God-given gifts, time and energy in our work, play, service, etc.?

I’ve been reading one Psalm a day on top of my normal devotional time and I’ve found it to be a great encouragement and also a great source of wisdom. David is so real in the way he describes the human struggle of learning to live and trust in God. I’ve come across the phrase “the fear of the Lord” so many times and it seems I don’t have a great grasp on what that actually means and I’d like to look into it more next year. However, I have thought about it a bit and in particular, how it answers the question earlier about how to see God’s spirit maximized in our life and service.

Firstly, the fear of the Lord, as Psalm 111:10 tells us that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and people who follow Him have good understanding. I read up on King Solomon when he asked the Lord for wisdom and later that day used his great discernment to settle the dispute between two quarrelling women. I was amazed at the way he handled such a sticky situation and thought that having wisdom to guide the way we live is such a crucial way to getting a good balance in life. Discernment about what the right thing to do at the right time or how to guard our time and energy for important things…this stems from the fear of the Lord.

Secondly, the fear of the Lord, as Psalm 34:9-10 tells us, satisfies us and makes us have no want of any good thing. This reminds me also of Psalm 23 when it talks about God, our Shepherd, leading us by still waters and green pastures. It says to me that we are to rest and be still before God, because what other good thing can be better than being in God’s presence? I believe that this is important to our ministry and work as we learn to take time to recharge and draw our source of love, faith and energy from an unlimited God.

Thirdly, the fear of the Lord, as Psalm 25:12 tell us is having the Lord instruct him in the way he should live. This is perhaps the most important and most relatable to our fellowship. What good is it if we profess with our mouths to be followers of God but not live righteously before our God and before others? Having instruction in the truth as a result of fearing God is a direct way to helping us live more like Christ.

In conclusion, what I hope for ACF is to learn together about how fearing the Lord, both individually and corporately, will bring about a place of rest and acceptance for believers and non-believers alike, where people will be loved and cared for and hopefully a place where lives can be transformed for the glory of God. ACF is but one of God’s houses in His Kingdom, may we joyfully open the doors to all those who are weary in life.

That is all.

listen

The other day I was at the dentist and as the dental assistant was cleaning my teeth, she commented on how small my mouth was.

An odd observation…for me anyway. Probably not for her, because she looks at mouths all day. The point is, I came home and went to the washroom and just stared at the mirror for a bit. Instead of shooting a wink and saying, “Hey there, handsome,” or “Lookin’ good my man,” I just noticed the size of my ears in comparison to my mouth.

I always knew I had big ears. My mom called me “Dumbo” just like how Dumbo the elephant had big ears that let him fly in the Disney movie. Wish I could fly. Oops, off topic. So yes, I have big ears and a small mouth. I’m thinking…it’s God’s way of telling me I should shut up sometimes and really take time to listen. People say there’s a reason why God gave you two ears and one mouth; I say there’s a reason why He made my ears big and my mouth small. Listen.

The other day we were at a restaurant eating. My sister and dad happened to get onto a heated argument that they had previously settled and recently rekindled. As the level of misunderstanding rose, the level of talking rose, which triggered also a rise in volume and anger levels and finally the ultimate finisher of all fights, “Forget it.” I hate when people say that. It means that people couldn’t let down even a bit of their own pride to find out maybe they’re not always right. It means that people would rather not understand without first being understood. It means that people weren’t able to first listen before speaking.

So that’s a scenario where our relationships break down as a result of our inability to listen to each other. It can be bad. But even more so, we should really look at whether we’re honing in to God’s words for us everyday. Oswald Chambers was talking about how when God speaks, He really doesn’t use fancy language or methods. He likes to use the everyday common things, the nature around us, the conversations we have with our friends, the words we read in our Bible. He likes to use the whisper that we so faintly hear because we’re so caught up with ourselves. Check this out:

1 Kings 19:11-13

¹¹ The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

I like how God told Elijah that He was coming by to talk to him and He sends all these amazing signs and yet Elijah didn’t hide his face with his cloak until the gentle whisper. I like how He likes to challenge us to leave behind those distractions so we can hear His still, small voice. When I read this the other day, I was reminded about how God likes to talk to us. He wants only the people that are willing to lay behind their own lives to take up His, to hear His instructions and direction.   I’m wondering to myself now about how many times I would’ve heard the Lord’s voice had I been still and listened.

For those of you seeking direction like I am, my best encouragement to you is to open up your ears, eyes, mind and heart to the simplest of things…because that’s where God likes to commune with you. I’ve found for myself the trouble I have with keeping my mind off myself and onto God’s words. It’s hard to sit and listen when there is so much going on in your life. But find that place and time when you can be still and truly let go of your preoccupations and you will find that His word “aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settlings of silver.” (Proverbs 25:11).

Note to self: be slow to speak and quick to listen.

joy

Been a long time since I last wrote. I’m actually not in the writing mood, but I think writing what I’ll write today will help keep me accountable.

It’s interesting when a word can be expressed so well by itself. I don’t mean like an onomatopoeia but when the letters of the word can be used to define the word, that’s pretty cool.

“Joy” is exactly that word. I’ll explain a little later.

I wanted to talk about joy because I feel it’s something I lack these days. I feel like it’s something that I can’t quite take a grasp of yet or something that I know about and perhaps experienced at one point but lost it somehow. I didn’t know how or why I lost it and for the last few days, it’s been tough and burdensome. Well, it still is at this time, but I think I’m on the verge of turning the tides again.

I was studying yesterday, in this crummy mood, and I just couldn’t concentrate. Things came into my mind that were unsettling and discouraging. A lot of “self” words came into my mind. Self-worth. Self-confidence. Self-pity. It seemed as if I was distracted from my work because I was thinking about all those “self” things. I was thinking about how to best serve my wants and plans.

You see, for some reason, I just kept telling myself I’m worth less because I somehow think I’m doing poorly in managing my time, work and involvements. I tried self-confidence to fix it. I told myself that I could handle it myself or that the onus was on me and I had something to prove to people: “My name is Brian Yau and I’m able to do everything.” And when that clearly didn’t work out, I guess I’d wallow in self-pity (not to mention that I was sick…all the more reason to pity myself). It became a cycle of…self-directed-selfish-self-serving-self…what’s the word…self-addiction.

So joy. Joy is this thing, that comes around when there is less of “me.”  Yesterday when I was studying and got into this “self-mode”, it bothered me so much that I had to stop what I was doing and just sit there. I talked to Erin for a bit, read an encouraging e-mail from my dad (thanks, dad), and then I went to the washroom. I had a mini-revelation. Or rather, a reminder. In the washroom? Yes, in the washroom.

I don’t know why, maybe it was God trying to remind me of something, but my mind flipped back to highschool. My Christian highschool gave us an agenda each year with a slew of rules and regulations listed in the first few pages of the school-planner. I remember reading through them, just for kicks…or maybe I got bored during the chapel session. But one thing has stuck with my memory. That is, “J.O.Y.”

About “joy” defining itself…I guess it’s more of an acronym definition. J.O.Y. stood for Jesus, Others, You. Here in this word order are elements we should pay close attention to. Firstly, the sequence is with Jesus coming first, others second and yourself last. I do recall Jesus’ only two commandments being for us to first love Jesus with all our mind, soul and strength and secondly to love others as ourselves. I find joy comes to those who put Jesus first and others second and themselves last. If it was ourselves first, we would never be satisfied and we would always fall short of what we want. If it was Jesus first, He, who is abundantly able to more than we could ever wish or imagine for, will provide for us, strengthen us and bring us to a path of purpose. In other words, I can’t do it by myself…and I’ve realized that for a long time now, but seriously…isn’t it hard not to be self-sufficient? It sure is if you’re relying on yourself for strength — see Philippians 4:13.

The second thing to notice about that acronym is that “You” still comes in the equation even though it’s not first. Why that’s important is that it shows that being joyful doesn’t just mean loving Jesus first and others second; it also means we, ourselves, need love. Loving yourself is not the same as self-love. Self-love is vain, empty and prideful. Loving yourself is giving the proper respect and honour to your own person – body, mind, soul – because God has made you the way He made you. If you really think about it, accepting that  you are a loved creation should give you joy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if any of you are struggling with finding joy in living like I am, I’ve found that the key to a joyful life isn’t in ourselves, but up above. I woke up today, saying, “Jesus first,” in my mind. It’s helped me stay positive, or at least helped me more effectively battle the negative thoughts. Why?

It’s because by saying, “Jesus first,” we devote ourselves to living for something more grand than ourselves. “Jesus first,” means living a life of purpose that gives us joy when we accomplish what God sets out for us to do each day.  “Jesus first ” means we don’t have to question our self-worth because our worth is in Christ. “Jesus first” means our self-confidence is not in our own flesh, but in the  power and providence of the Holy Spirit.  “Jesus first” means that we don’t have to deal with self-pity, because our focus is not on ourselves but on things above. All these things, contribute to living a joyful life in the light of our God.

Dying to yourself is probably the hardest part of the Christian walk. I’m still learning this and trying to say “Jesus first” in my mind at all times.

Self-addiction.

It’s an ongoing battle, but be joyful for the war is won.